Tag Archives: death

shattered / fragments [3]

His clothes are waiting.
There’s a pile on the floor,
tucked into the corner
and ready to be washed;
another on his chair,
haphazard but clean.
A few others sit in a basket,
neatly folded.

He would have picked through them
the next morning,
getting ready for the day.

I pull out a pair of black pants from the dirty pile,
notice a bungee cord strung through
as a makeshift belt.

I fold them slowly,
tuck them under my arm,
and, for now, leave everything else behind.

shattered / fragments [2]

A police sergeant
stopped by the house this afternoon
with my son’s wallet
and an accident report
we don’t ever have to read.

He’d been first at the scene that night,
then sat in our living room
while my wife called me
in Los Angeles.

Today, I offer him a cup of coffee
and hope he’ll stay with us for a moment.

shattered / fragments [1]

I now understand
the meaning of

shattered.

I can’t even tell if it is okay
to smile at my wife–

but I’ll go for a walk,
and while I am out,
get her the box of chai
she was searching for.

I don’t know where to begin. I’ve lost my son.

I don’t know where to begin. Perhaps deciding to simply sit here, inside this not-knowing, inside this feeling of being shattered–perhaps this is something Zen gave to me, having turned out to be nothing I was actually looking for.

I don’t know where to begin. Except to return here, reach for my pencil and scratch out a few of the fragments I find.

Dear Mom

There’s a hurricane coming.
Before the rain begins,

I’ve cut some rudbeckia for you—
I found a few faint coneflowers, too.

but most everything else has passed.

I arranged them just now
in an old glass bottle
like the ones you collected.

The wind is picking up and
the birds are calling.


Every once in a great while, something emerges. I suppose it happens quite often. Every once in a great while, I notice.

Rudbeckia

img_1163

the rudbeckia aren’t usually still in bloom,
so close to my birthday,
and even these are brittle –
but in the patch near the small gravel pile,
perhaps sheltered by the overgrown viburnum,

a few stragglers remain.

if I’d noticed them last year I might have arranged
one more vase
and placed it by her bedside,
so she could have turned her head
and thought to herself,
how I love those black-eyed susans.

 

Square with Rounded Corners

The picture of the two of us,
pulled from my suit-coat pocket,
leans on my dresser.

Square with rounded corners,
faded blue ink–
Kodak May 1980–
printed on the back.

I scanned it for my lock screen, too,
so I can see myself
leaning up against her in the slanted spring light.

The first few days after
Mom taught me how to die
were simpler–

but when I walk outside,
leaves are turning,
afternoons are darker now.

Cardboard Box

I’m finally looking into the cardboard box
I brought home from my mother’s house
late last month;

The clementines she insisted I take and perched on top
have long since been eaten;
it’s been otherwise untouched
sitting in the corner of the yellow room.

Two pairs of my infant pajamas —
The yellow corduroy with the embroidered lion;
the faded white and green night dress.
She had remarked on the drawstring
she had sewn into the bottom,
how it was still there,
and the fold-over sleeves to keep me from scratching myself
as I slept in my crib.

My white shoes, too —
laces gone,
but still with their impossibly stiff soles;
my grandmother’s blue-and-white Canton ware,
wrapped in the 1975 Daily News
from Bowling Green, Kentucky.

That night,
just before I left,
we sat on the basement couch flipping through
faded Kodak prints, square with rounded corners,
(most taken before we moved into the house on the hill).

We paused at one where I wore that night dress,
standing with my sister
in the deep darkness of an evening east window.
There were others, too, from that forty-years-ago,
and she told me again about each one.

We had such fun, she said,
such fun.

Tanka #10

my unfinished work
littered with brittle browns
deepening shadows —
autumn’s reds and yellows
forsaking their offering

IMG_0961

It was one year ago today I took the photograph that inspired my first tanka. It has been a less prolific season this year.

Not Strong Enough

I may not be strong enough
for the weight of our tears,
or for end-of-day regrets.

I fear I am not strong enough
for the leaves that keep falling,
for each sun-drenched morning,
or the last whispers of childhood.